Not Another Quarter Life Crisis or: How I Learned to Stop Ruminating and Love the Tarot

I had the quarter-life crisis in my mid-twenties. The "Where am I going? Did I pick the right major in college? I should have moved to LA or NY. Why am I not I writing for VOGUE/Elle/Nylon? I should have taken that internship junior year. I am mortal. I'm going to kick the bucket one day. Why am I unhappy in this relationship? Why have I settled for so many years? Where am I going? Why am I here? When will I get all of this figured out?

These and many other thoughts taunted me in my mid-twenties, and they still follow me. They harp louder during times of stress and conflict. They transform throughout the seasons of my life, but they're always there in some shape or form. Always.

I still haven't figured it out, and after two failed relationships, five moves, and a lot of vodka, I've learned some pretty valuable lessons. Some pertain directly to yours truly, were really hard to swallow, but put things into epiphanic perspective. Many have paved the way to my personal and spiritual successes and failures.

But I'm still freaking confused. Will I ever figure it out? I'm more all over the place these days than usual.

I'm paranoid about the economy and my job, much of which is fueled by my 2008 layoff that no matter how badly I try not to take personally, broke my heart on so many levels.

I regret not going back to get my Master's degree. Not a day goes by that I don't think about moving out west. I regret turning down that job offer in Tucson last year when I was unemployed. It just didn't feel 100% right. I am BIG on intuition and going with your gut feeling, so I try to model most of my decisions on this. Hence me not taking the job: even after planning and countless discussions with Phil, my best friend Anne (who lives in Tucson), and my Mom, I just couldn't accept the offer.

My thought process and actions are arguably spontaneous, but what the hell. I can speculate about EVERYTHING--and I do ruminate plenty--but ultimately, I know the answer from the get-go. I just muddle it over mentally because I'm a little kooky. If I always let the long-winded mental debates with myself be the decision-making factors, I'd still be sitting here, having a quarter-life crisis, seven years later. Wait a minute...

I'll admit I'm in a place of disdain these days. I'm sick of blaming the weather and the economy. We're all in charge of our own destiny, but no matter how many times I repeat that mantra--and I repeat it daily, multiple times daily--I'm still tied up with mixed emotions, fear and impatience. So it only seemed natural to get my tarot cards read, which I did yesterday by my good friend Adam. He's a fabulous reader. It'd been 5 months or so since he last read them, and this time, my focus was on something personal, not professional (my focus always switches between the two, depending on life circumstances).

He shuffled the deck, then I shuffled the deck, contemplating my current situation while doing so. I picked up a card while shuffling - the Death card - sigh, this is no good. Once I felt comfortable with the deck, I gave it back to Adam and he shuffled it a bit, then set the deck down. He asked me to place my hand on the deck and focus my energy into it while thinking of my situation. For those not familiar with tarot, the thought is that this act transfers the energies, thoughts and emotions of your situation to this to the deck. When I felt comfortable with that, he asked me to divide the deck into three piles and select one. I went with my first choice because as mentioned earlier, I'm big on intuition. Adam proceeded to lay the selected deck out with a semblance of order.

I'm a Virgo, so my residing card is always the Queen of Pentacles. She represents all things earthly. She's sitting on a throne in the forest surrounded by vines and greenery, with a running stream in the near distance. She's even got a bunny rabbit at her left foot, and I love animals (rabbits in particular). She's relaxed, mellow, under control, and surrounded by a natural bounty. All the other cards in the circular formation were laid down around the Queen of Pentacles.

If you haven't had a reading, and you're not a skeptic, I highly recommend it. Maybe I've just had the luck of having really good people read my cards each time, but it always tells a story that is so relative to my life at the time, and the question or issue I concentrated on while shuffling, that it's almost uncanny. I always have an "A-ha" moment during the reading. It puts things in to perspective, and makes sense of the nonsense (or the things I may deny or ignore). And don't be afraid of the Death card, because it rarely symbolizes real death. More often than not, it's the end of something. The cards only make sense in the order and direction that they're dealt.

I won't dissect the entire reading, but in summary:

I'm influenced by a man who is energetic and full of ideas, sometimes too many ideas. But the energy he has makes him try everything and sometimes he gains traction. My relationship with him is hindered by my own self-pity. Many past and present factors contribute to this self-pity. There's judgment and emotional loss, and gain. My not-so-distant future shows the male influencer and I happy and healthy and bountiful with love and earthly things. The distant future shows nostalgia as the resounding emotion. Adam explained it probably means having loving, pleasant, happy, reflective thoughts about the good times I've had with this male influencer and the good that he's brought to my life. Hmm....

I also chose to do the Yes or No question at the end of my reading. For this, you literally think of a question that can be answered simply by Yes or No via three cards. Adam laid the cards down and the answer was No. This was a good answer.

I'm not saying I live my life by the readings. But they're always therapeutic, and it's interesting and insightful to have your emotions put into perspective visually and verbally, with references to outside influences, the past, the present and the future. Plus, tarot card art and the metaphorical interpretation of each card is just super cool.

I bought a deck of tarot cards three months ago, and they're still sitting on my bookshelf unopened. I've wanted to learn to read tarot for years, and I've always known I will learn when the time is right. I haven't opened them yet, and these past three months, I think of them sitting there, unopened. I just haven't been ready.

Last night, when I was explaining my reading in great detail to Phil, I couldn't recall the visual symbol for the card I was citing. He said, "You have that deck, right? We can figure it out. Have you opened it yet?"

And I said no, I haven't been ready to open it.

But this morning, I want to open it.

I'm going to open it right after I post this blog.

Mommy, I Want it

I know we're in a re/pression. I realize that material goods and overall consumption right now is bad, bad, bad. I remind myself of this each time I find my way to various online sites (most recently Rue La La).

I have cut back considerably on all material goods in the past year. This decision came involuntarily via my being laid off in February 2008. I realized that no matter how fashion forward they may be, I just didn't need that new purse, or the new pair of earrings, or the killer pair of jeans. I had an entire closet, chest of drawers, and room full of fantastic clothes and accessories. And I'm crafty enough to create a multitude of ensembles with what I have. (I smell a personal challenge...)

But a new product was brought to my attention today that I just have to have. Phil sent me a text that read "The New Volvo C70 T5 is tight!" Being the car fan that I am, I immediately Googled it:



Although my ride is pretty standard, I have an ability to name car makes, models, etc. I've always had this, and I'm really not sure what it's all about. I don't fancy myself a gearhead; I guess I just really love cars.

I have always wanted a cherry-red convertible with light-beige leather seats. I have imagined myself driving around town, the wind in my hair, since childhood. My Dad had a convertible in the '90s - it was cherry-red, too - and I relished each opportunity I had to borrow it for important errands, like cruising around town.

It is amazing and glorious and WOW do I want it so badly!

I see the MSRP is around $40,000, and I immediately remember those not-so-distant days I spent living off unemployment, scraping by on the fantastic produce values at Harvest Time, and worrying, each day, as to when I would have an actual paycheck (it took 5.5 months, to be exact). I won't even go in to the panic attacks.

But there is just something entirely magical about this car that I feel compelled to have it.

In my dreams. In my alter-reality. Where I also own a home, with an in-ground pool, and I make it to Europe almost every year (and the years that I don't, I'm in the Caribbean.)

So there you have it: My first impromptu, outrageously extravagant, yet so-real-I-can-taste-it want for this year, induced solely by a shiny, pretty new car I referenced via Google Images. Amidst living in an economy where we're all finding solace in just getting by. I believe I'm back down to perspective already.